Spam Mail Worth shareing.

MY in box is full of them! i get all these silly ass emails, so im just going to give u guys a few. Just cause i can.

This one was actually a corrections assignment given to me by one of my professors, but its...well...deep.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees, but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space, but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.
We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to more information, to produce more copies than ever, but communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast food and slow digestion, big and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier house, but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is too much in the showroom window, and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or just hit delete.
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person will soon grow up and leave your side. Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent. Remember to say “I love you” to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment, for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

CAUTION:
Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the #### out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that's funny ........ Notttttttttt

Believe it or not, i get most of these from my mother......



TWO CATHOLIC BOYS:

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finall y Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.



In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SECOLA.

More from Mommy Sheila....u guys would love her....

Interesting things you will find out when you have sons....

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

I can do this all day.....I have been collecting these, believe it or not i LOVE getting them!




Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series
of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got some.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath... I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask, because
you are my friend.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will
help you move a body.

Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. Tee Hee!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!


Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed . He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.


He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.


Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written
in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'


He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks:

'Son... what happened last night?'



'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.


'Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect

order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table

waiting for me??'


His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

'Leave me alone crazy lady, I'm married!!'

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home..
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know...
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

Frog Story -



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

o god i hate spam mail....my eyes hurt from seeing this thread.

that makes me very sad, cause except for the first one, which is actually just sappy, these are mostly funny as hell

and you got about 10 trojans, 3 blasters and 100 worms ):

I have a what?

Rhinnon wrote:I have a what?

just joking

okies

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3Nqguav6nE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo_FSzRzSlU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTWeJJXXKfU&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhPA8tQcWmg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ttv-TeteRkc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1piuJzS7H-4&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwSqdL7fiE8&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjGd1C6E4ys&NR=1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7UMqyqJ6Q&NR=1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ovXqfigNzo&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS2BFzK_Pmw&feature=related




Not quite as funny, but still good
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toI971cSXKg&feature=related


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kxa0mnDj0bs&feature=related

Sandwitch wrote:just joking

or was he? dun dun DUUN

Lol.....I think he is...who is insane enough, other than my jeff, to attract my rage?

ZOMGZORGZORS!!!! HAHA!!! I CANT SEE WHAT I'm TYPING BECAUSE OFTHE NEW FORUM LAYOUT!@!!!!

AWESOME!!!!

@topic

Or am i? D8

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few moments the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when:

1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard
wthout flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10.Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11.You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

12.You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

13.Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

14.You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15.Down South to you means Ohio.

16.A brat is something you eat.

17.Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

18.You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19.Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20.You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21.You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

22.You drink pop and bake with soda.

23.Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.

24.You can actually drink Vernors without coughing.

25.You know what a Yooper is. (Turdy Point Buck!)

26.You think owning a Honda is Un-American.

27.You know that UP is a place, not a direction.

28.You know it's possible to live in a thumb.

29.You understand that when visiting Detroit , the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

30.You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
your Michigan friends!